I have for many years fought and struggled to overcome my physical voice. I was teased and bullied for my voice, cataloged and labeled for my voice. On one occasion someone actually told me to work on my voice, because this one will not do.
I did public speaking, vocal leadership, I always volunteered to teach, I had a career as a medical and nursing educator which meant speaking to hundreds of people per year. I went as far as to start smoking, all of it to change my voice, get a better voice, deeper voice, a world class voice, a voice accepted by all. Or even just another voice!
I was working so hard to overcome my voice, that I didn’t notice or realise that I had lost my opinion, my presence and my ability to stand strong.
I created this huge mountain of a problem to overcome. I was told to make a change, that I was unacceptable, that I was to be silent, that I didn’t matter.
I accepted this judgement and expectation of others, based on their values and opinions. I took on the false challenge to find a brand new voice, a thirty something year journey that led to addiction, to failure, to disappointment and to self hate.
Through counselling and coaching, I was helped to start listening to my voice, to hear my voice and notice ‘me’ in my voice.
I soon realised that other people's beliefs and judgements about my voice was minimal in comparison to my own. I continued the work and started seeing how much I have lost in denying my own life.
I actually counted the people who told me that my voice was not acceptable, it started with 10 people, that’s it, just 10 people who said out loud to my face they hated my voice. I have been trying to count how many people I have spoken to, taught, inspired, supported, coached and counselled over the past twenty odd years and those that heard me and my voice and actually stayed in the room. The ones who stayed and didn’t object.
It is fantastic, I am still counting!
This huge thing in my life, this overwhelming, disabling judgement that I had to overcome, is now not a thing, not a disability, it is my opinion, my desires, my inspiration, my creative thought, it is my voice!
It is ME.
I have stopped trying to reject me.
